ashberries:

i always envisioned graduating college to be this life altering event. your whole world is supposed to change once you leave. but it’s been about two months now, and i’m both happy yet disappointed to announce that i feel absolutely the same.

it happens with everything - the way we anticipate and envision certain events is always far grander than the reality. i think i wrote a similar post when i graduated high school actually…

i’ve been reflecting a lot lately though. am i doing okay in life? am i on the correct path? is what i’m doing now going to make my future less turbulent and bumpy? i have all these worries about the future. like i’ve always said, i fear failure. but i heard a quote recently that really resonated with me. it went something like “now is not the time to determine whether your life was a failure or a success. you’re too young for that. it’s only just begun.”

but yeah, overall update: my life didn’t end after college. i’m still doing okay. i was actually able to find a job within a month of graduation and didn’t end up indefinitely unemployed, like i had feared my entire last semester.

That was written by 23 year old Ashley and I’m happy to announce as 28 year old Ashley that things are going fine and she had nothing to worry about.

I remember the anxiety I felt in my last semester. My mom passed away, my dad moved to the other side of the world, I had about $500 left in my bank account to pay for our mortgage and living expenses - finding a job was do or die. Somehow I managed. Five years later, my salary has more than doubled, my car is paid off, i have retirement savings and investment accounts, and my house will close in two months.

this is where 18 year old me thought i’d be by this age, but at 23, achieving all of these things before 30 felt like a distant dream. If only I could go back and reassure my younger self that everything would be fine, because she is resilient and she is hard-working.

i recently started a new job. i came highly recommended by multiple people who worked at the company so the interview was a formality more than anything. i boldly asked for a salary i knew was above market and they somehow gave it to me with no attempt at negotiating me down. i was happy for the opportunity - the pay was competitive and i was working with people I already knew i’d get along with.

it’s been a month now and i really feel the pressure. all the things that made this opportunity attractive are also the very things inducing the most stress. i came highly recommended so I not only had my own reputation on the line, but the reputation of all those who endorsed me. i also knew i was being paid more than my peers. this meant i had to show everyone i was worth the support and the price tag.

as i dove into the work, i began to question myself. i didn’t feel like i was performing at an acceptable level, i didn’t think I was worth the price tag….then tonight, my VP pulled me into his office and, to my surprise, told me he thought i was doing an amazing job. he suggested to my manager that i should be put on additional projects because he thought i was smart and capable. i’m not sure why, but these revelations always astound me. for the entire month, i felt like i was drowning. i felt completely inadequate, and yet, here he was praising me.

five years into my career and i still struggle with properly assessing myself. somehow i always think im doing poorly, while everyone around me thinks highly of my abilities. it’s a strange internal battle i have, between what i think of myself versus what people think of me. i’ve always been praised in my career and i still don’t feel deserving of any of it. i recognize i’ve become quite successful in a relatively short period of time, but i attributed it more to luck than ability.

i’ve always struggled with imposter syndrome. no one is harder on me than myself. even when others praise me, i still somehow feel inadequate. i think this is deeply rooted in my asian upbringing - doing well is what i’m supposed to do and being average is unacceptable.

not sure where i was going with this, but it’s what’s been on my mind lately.

i’ve talked numerous times about the importance of timing, but it has never been more true than it is now.

we’re both in serious, committed relationships and neither of us are the type to cheat. yet somehow, the chemistry is palpable even from a spectator’s perspective. somehow, people still ask me about you or bring up how they thought we were a sure thing. some have even said, despite our current situation, we would end up together eventually.

i struggle a lot when people bring this up, because i both agree and disagree. i agree that the chemistry is there - we know exactly what the other is thinking, because we’re completely alike; we bring out the best, most competitive sides of each other; and we would be the power couple amongst power couples. but it all boils down to our massive egos….and timing.

i think both of us were aware of how the other felt, but neither one of us was willing to take the first step. we teetered the line between friendship and dating for months, while concurrently casually dating other people. we both found people who were willing to take the first steps, so here we are.

the million dollar question is, is the person you’re meant to be with the person you’re most compatible with or just someone you’re fairly compatible with who showed up at the right time? will we ever wonder what if? will our past stay buried? will be we able to maintain our close friendship without our significant other’s feeling insecure or us eventually crossing the line?

i think about these questions more than i’d like to admit.

That term has been thrown at me multiple times this past week by various people. I was hesitant to own the title, despite understanding what everyone was trying to say. I think I’ve always known this to be a fact, but I always strayed away from the label.

the first time i ever heard murmurs of the term “alpha female” directed towards me was from my own mother. I was 19 or 20, single, fresh out of a seven year relationship, and as advice for men who would walk into my life in the future, she said, “you have to be soft with men. at least pretend like you need them once in a while.” I disagreed, but understood the message she was sending between the lines. my traditional chinese mother was trying to tell me as a female, i’m too independent and self-sustaining for society to handle and that it could have a negative impact on my ability to find a husband in the future.

in the years that followed, i continued to hear aunts tell me i don’t need to be so good at everything - that i should be content with my job, that i don’t need to strive for promotions, that my ambitions were too high.

when i was younger, it was easy to dismiss them. i always thought to myself “this is the 21st century, i won’t be reduced to a housewife who cooks, cleans, and stays at home with the kids.” i remained single through my entire early 20’s, then around 24 or 25, all the criticism of my hyper-ambitions started whirling back. i began to question whether my fob asian aunties were right. i think that’s when i developed a distaste for the term “alpha female.”

when this suddenly got brought up recently, not by my fob relatives, but by a group of friends (all asian-american men), i began questioning them about what being an “alpha” even means. if it means being independent - yes, i am that. if it means having high professional aspirations and expectations of myself - yes, i am that. if it means not being afraid to engage in intellectual debates and discussions - yes, i am that. if it means making decisions driven by logic rather than emotions - yes, i am that. then i realized we wouldn’t be having this discussion had i not been female. in heterosexual relationships that abide by societal norms, do we ever feel the need to point out that the man is, in fact, the alpha? yet somehow this observation became a topic of conversation because they had identified me as the alpha in my current relationship.

i guess after some introspection, i’ve decided i shouldn’t stray away from the label. there is nothing wrong with the attributes associated with being an “alpha female” and i should allow society to group those attributes into whatever category they so please. so here’s to being an alpha female and writing an assertive post challenging the traditional pillars of society.

my women’s studies professor would be proud of me for this one lol.

election time always brings out so much frustration in me.

i don’t love posting about politics because it’s absolutely true that everyone’s entitled to their own opinion (on taxes, on gun laws, on abortion, on federal spending, on nuclear weapons, on foreign relations), but basic decency is not up for debate.

this isn’t about democrat versus republicans. i can respect a republican who holds strong beliefs regarding abortion or tax laws, because while i disagree, there is nothing inherently wrong with you feeling this way. we can have different political affiliations and be friends. however, you cannot be a trump supporter and be my friend.

trump voters are not your average republicans. a vote for trump is a vote for sexism, white supremacy, blatant disregard of science, and outright ignorance.

if you believe it’s okay to “grab women by the pussy,” we can’t be friends. if you believe it’s okay to separate families at the border and call an entire group of people “murderers and rapists,” we can’t be friends. if you believe coronavirus is a hoax or global warming is fake, we can’t be friends. if you blindly believe trump when he spews lies about his inauguration crowd size, his contribution to our booming economy, or his current claims of fraudulent election practices, we can’t be friends.

this is not a simple difference in opinion. these are a fundamentally different set of values i simply cannot associate or align myself with.

trump’s entire presidency has been rooted in baseless claims, yet his supporters think those in the opposition are the brainwashed bigots. if there are any trump supporters out there who want to have a constructive, factual discussion, i’m up for it. i am genuinely curious as to what people see in this president. however, i refuse to waste my time explaining my perspective to anyone who dismisses arguments rooted in facts, data, and science as lies told by “big media.”

i hate when we’re apart, but i think it also serves as a good reminder once in a while. i think it’s easy to lose sight of things when we’re constantly in each other’s space. you were gone all last week and by night three I was over having time to myself.

i noticed you’ve been different since you got back - more affectionate and attentive. i wonder if you talked to your friends and had some sort of revelation, or just came to the same conclusion i did - i don’t like and don’t want to be apart.

we were walking the strip with your family last night and it was too crowded to hold hands, so i walked closedly behind you instead. but i noticed you would look behind your shoulders every few minutes, just to make sure i was still close by. when we sleep, you always manage to make sure we’re touching somehow. whenever we eat, you scoop my food for me first. every morning, you give me kisses as i start to wake up.

it’s nice to be taken care of, even if i am perfectly capable of a taking care of myself. i think i’ve really learned to relinquish some control and independence, and to allow someone to take care of me. i think i’ve always liked these things but was just too afraid of “catching feelings” by allowing someone to do these things for me.

but you did it. you finally tore down the walls.

I think my understanding of relationships is changing. You’ve told me since the very beginning you don’t really know what you’re doing, because i’m your first girlfriend. But i’m beginning to realize i’m just as clueless as you, because you’re only my second boyfriend. My understanding of love comes from a relationship that happened in my teens, and while i can’t discount those seven years and say it wasn’t real, it also isn’t an accurate reflection of what a grown, mature love looks like.

my first boyfriend was fireworks. every single moment felt like a milestone, because i guess it was. i was experiencing a lot of firsts at that point. nothing quite stimulates you like the first time, so it was fireworks - loud, disruptive, something no one could ignore. you and i are more like a campfire - slow to start, but burns steadily and quietly through the night. you finally said the words. it took an entire year of dating for you to utter “i love you.” i found myself drawing a lot of comparisons between our relationship and my last, and everything felt….slower with you. a part of me started to wonder if that was a reflection of how you felt about me. but when you finally said it, everything made sense.

our love isn’t loud and flashy, and that’s okay. you don’t tell me you love me every day. in fact, i haven’t heard it since the night you first said it, but you show up for me when it counts. you search for my hand in the middle of the night to make sure i’m still beside you. you heat up my heat pack multiple times in a night and rub my tummy when i’m on my period. you do the dishes, every single night. love is in the gestures. i love you.

You being away these past two weeks has given me a lot of perspective, perhaps it gave us both perspective.

Ever since quarantine started back in March, we’ve been around each other almost 24/7. It was an interesting way to start a relationship, since typically I’d prefer to show you only the best side of me for at least six months lol. I’d say this quarantine took away the notion of a “honeymoon phase” for us - not only did we see each other constantly, but we were also confined at home. no cute dates, no spontaneous adventures, nothing.

i think it started to drive me crazy a little bit….

I’d grown so accustomed to being by myself over the years, I enjoyed it. But quarantine suddenly thrusted you into my life - every single minute of it - and i found myself with zero alone time. i think i was starting to feel suffocated, because there was no where to go, and nothing to do. there are parts of me that have enjoyed you being away, because it meant i was free to watch whatever trash tv i wanted, or eat whatever i wanted for dinner without having to consult another person. But a bigger part of me misses you.

it’s been nice doing my own thing, but i’m ready for my grandpa baby to come back now.

This is now just a place to document all the random pictures i take of you while you’re sleeping.

You’re the cutest when you sleep, cause that’s the only time you’re not telling your bad dad jokes or trolling me.

A reminder to myself in case I get mad at you:

I started my period yesterday and for some reason, this month’s PMS symptoms are just RAGING. Not in the moody, angry way, but i’m nauseous, cramping, and generally aching all over. As a result, I’ve been incessantly complaining about my tummy hurting. Last night you woke up in the middle of the night and saw i was awake, and in your barely conscious state you asked me if my stomach was still hurting and started rubbing my back. Then this morning you woke up and asked me again if i was feeling okay, if i needed anything, and said since i’m a big baby this week you’ll do all the cooking.

It seems like no big deal as i write it down like this, but I know these are big steps forward for you. I feel you shifting. You lacked awareness when we first met and acted selfishly, even if it wasn’t intentional. I think a big part of it was you never had to think about or consider anyone else before, so the beginning was rocky because you were constantly pissing me off. But now here we are - you’re a caring, attentive big softy.

just wanted to document this cause it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. thanks for putting up with this big baby.

i feel like we spend a lot of time watching each other sleep, since i’m the night owl and you’re the early bird.

this quarantine has been interesting for us. we’re couped up at home all the time, we cook most of our meals together, you see me regularly without makeup, we wake up everyday to each other’s messy hair and morning breath. these are usually components of a more developed relationship, but this quarantine has sped things up. the smokes and mirrors dissipated quickly and we’ve fallen into a routine that works. it feels like i could keep this up forever.

because we’re with each other 24/7 these days, some of the less than pretty sides of me have started to bubble to the surface. sometimes i catch myself being snappy at you, then i feel guilty because you never retaliate. but in moments like this when i turn and see you peacefully sleeping beside me, i wonder how i got so lucky - finding someone who’s so kind and patient with me, even when i sometimes don’t deserve it.

for the first time in 11 nights, you’re not in bed beside me - feels strange.

the past three months have been a rollercoaster. i was smitten, then hurt and angry, and now…perfectly content. the pressure of newly dating has dissipated and we’re just left with ease and comfort.

we’ve learned to find beauty in the mundane. we don’t plan out elaborate dates - most days we see each other it’s unplanned altogether. it’s often as simple as grabbing dinner, then going home and sitting together, with our elbows gently touching while playing luigi’s mansion.

and despite what it does to my number on the scale, i love our foodie adventures. that’s one of my favorite things about you - we get the same spark in our eyes when food is put in front of us. you also eat pretty much everything, just like me, so that helps too. i can’t imagine anyone else suggesting we go to 2 or 3 different places for food…..in one night (ie. wings and pizza at PTs then dirt dog immediately after. or hot chicken sandwiches, then gyros, then pizza, then tacos 😂😂).

and i’m starting to learn that it’s okay to rely on others. i’ve always been focused on being self-sufficient and handling everything on my own, but you’re showing me that just because i’m capable of doing it, doesn’t mean i can’t accept help. thanks for ubering to me at the bar that one night and driving my car home, even though i told you i was okay. i didn’t need it, but i was so happy when you showed up.

they say love is in the details, and even though neither of us have said it, i think those words are looming behind the gestures.

The end of 2019 marks the closing of another year, the closing of an entire decade.

These last ten years have arguably been the most transformative ten of my life. The decade started with me as a high school sophomore. I remember that year being one of the most emotionally tumultuous times i’d ever experienced (there’s old tumblr posts documenting all of it too). Melvin and I were coming off a break up, my friends suddenly became distant. I remember feeling so helplessly empty that year - filled with emotions but with no one to vent to. needless to say i got over it. in retrospect it wasn’t as dramatic as it felt in that moment, but hindsight is always 20/20 right? as the decade progressed i became more resilient, and maybe that’s all thanks to the bumpy start i had initially or perhaps it was just growth.

some defining moments of the decade include:

• bumpy on again off again relationship that eventually became very stable and steady

• graduated high school

• ended said relationship of 7 years

• mom passed away

• dad moved to the other side of the world

• graduated college

• became a fully functional, financially independent (mostly) mature adult

this decade saw me through my teens into my mid-20’s. a lot has changed, but a lot has also stayed the same.

my friends are the same, we still get into the same stupid things we used to in middle and high school, but at the same time, we’ve evolved.

my perspectives have changed. i was so relationship adverse in my early 20’s. i think it’s a by-product of being in a 7-year relationship at such a young age. i was scarred by all the turmoil, the emotions, the anger, the fear, and the time wasted. i didn’t see a reason to put myself through that again. it felt like i would be doing myself a disservice if i didn’t allow myself to stay single for an extended period of time. and so i spent the later half of this decade floating around. at first i wasn’t trying at all, i was disinterested in men altogether. in that moment my focus was college - all i wanted was to get in and get out. it wasn’t until post grad that i felt like i had the energy for men. but even then, it was only to the capacity of physical intimacy. i was aimlessly on dating apps going from guy to guy. i think i grew to be quite good at first dates. i never intend to meet a guy once then never talk to him again, but that’s just the way the cookie always crumbled. sometimes i wonder if things didn’t work out purely because my doors were bolted shut. but right as this decade was winding down, i met someone.

so i guess we’re going into the next decade hopeful. hopeful for continued career growth, hopeful for more financial stability, hopeful for an unwavering relationship, hopeful for building a home and creating a family.

cheers to the next decade.

“sometimes i think about how lucky i am we met”

that was the moment. i knew i was done for as soon as those words parted your lips. that sentence made me yours.

we’re still figuring each other out - i know the puzzle pieces fit, it’s just a matter of rotating the piece to find its placement. in the mean time, i’ve learned to never drag you to a scary movie or haunted house; you’ve learned to always wait for me to take the second to last chicken wing. i can’t say we know each other like the back of our hands, but we’ll get there.

you told me this is your first relationship, that you can’t promise you’ll be the perfect boyfriend, and asked me to be patient with you. you were right, there’s room for improvement. i wish you paid attention to me more, opened up to me about how you’re feeling and what you’re going through. i want to know all the small details about your day, but you always give me vague answers. i want you to feel like you can rely on me and confide in me. i wish you were more affectionate, physically and emotionally.

but i get small glimmers of affection. i melt when you give me forehead kisses, put your hand on my knee as you drive, or the rare occasions when you vocalize how you feel. when we’re together you make me feel wanted, secure, comfortable, and giddy all at once. i’ve never felt so content laying around doing nothing. sometimes i catch myself just watching you watch netflix. i adore you and all your nerdy qualities - half the time i don’t know what you’re talking about, but i love the excitement on your face as you tell me about your fantasy football teams. and even though i fell asleep, it was damn cute listening to you try to explain league of legends to me.

but i won’t be the perfect girlfriend either and i think you’ll also have to be patient with me. i don’t clearly articulate my feelings, i sometimes expect you to read between the lines. and when you fail to do that, i might be upset with you. i can be passive aggressive, but i’m trying my best not to do that anymore. i’ve been told i’m difficult to be with, and maybe they’re right.

my emotions have been a complete mess since we met, but that’s mostly my own fault. i’m too prideful to ask the questions on my mind and cynical enough to always assume the worst.

so sorry for being difficult, for not immediately saying yes when you asked if i wanted to be your girlfriend…even though it’s exactly what i wanted. sorry if my pride ever gave you the impression that i didn’t care. truthfully, i care so much. my brain is constantly at war with my heart. i miss you almost always, but my ego stops me from telling you. but thank you. thank you for understanding, for reassuring me that you’d be there when i was ready, for knowing my “no” actually meant “yes,” for you being patient with me….even though you asked me to be patient with you.

you said you were lucky to have me, but really, i’m lucky to have you too. i think i really meant it that night, when i slept on top of you and sleepily mumbled “i could lay here forever.”